BY ZEP
I've never been a huge fan.
Never owned one of his records.
Never really thought twice about his antics or whatever else.
I made a Mii of him on my Wii.
And I danced to his music in my dining room at 8 years of age.
Thanks for teaching me to attempt the moonwalk in my dining room Mr. Jackson.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Fuck the MMVA's, U got my blog
BY ZEP
You are an asshole.
You are inconstant.
You create so many problems, and you solve them just as much.
You a bitter fucking thorn in my heart.
You are beautiful.
You throw the punches and stitch up the cuts.
You are an energetic violence.
You are chaos and calm.
You are unlike anything else.
You are love. You are life.
The only one I have.
You are an asshole.
You are inconstant.
You create so many problems, and you solve them just as much.
You a bitter fucking thorn in my heart.
You are beautiful.
You throw the punches and stitch up the cuts.
You are an energetic violence.
You are chaos and calm.
You are unlike anything else.
You are love. You are life.
The only one I have.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
A Constant State of Growth
BY ZEP
Shed some metaphorical skin.
Stopped myself from posting a huge rant, because I'd rather say it to their faces.
Ranted and raved and felt all the emotional shit.
Forgot my umbrella for the third fucking time.
Not looking forward to seeing a majority of people tonight.
Gonna try not to hammer fistfuls of metaphorical nails into my head anymore. Will replace with happier things. Daisies perhaps?
Gonna drink the remaining negative feelings away (in a good way, not a pathetic alcoholic way)
Above all, continuously learning and growing into a better person.
Thankfully.
Shed some metaphorical skin.
Stopped myself from posting a huge rant, because I'd rather say it to their faces.
Ranted and raved and felt all the emotional shit.
Forgot my umbrella for the third fucking time.
Not looking forward to seeing a majority of people tonight.
Gonna try not to hammer fistfuls of metaphorical nails into my head anymore. Will replace with happier things. Daisies perhaps?
Gonna drink the remaining negative feelings away (in a good way, not a pathetic alcoholic way)
Above all, continuously learning and growing into a better person.
Thankfully.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
O my <3
BY ZEP
Trust me baby, you don't know what my heart's like.
It's a complicated little creature.
It writhes, claws, bites at my insides....an impuslive little thing.
It likes to creep its way out sometimes, only to be beaten senselessly back inside by the sticks/stones/hammers/nails/blunt objects of people's disinterest.
It's spent a lot of time stitching up its cuts...it takes a little while, and my heart has never been fantastic at sewing.
Earn my trust and my heart is your best friend. Break it and you may not have a head. I told you it was impulsive.
My heart gets some good excercise...mostly when it comes to playing music or seeing a pretty girl.
Treat my heart like glass. If you break it intentionally, you may find yourself walking on something uncomfortable.
Generally, it's a really friendly fellow.
And it likes new people.
You should get to know it.
Trust me baby, you don't know what my heart's like.
It's a complicated little creature.
It writhes, claws, bites at my insides....an impuslive little thing.
It likes to creep its way out sometimes, only to be beaten senselessly back inside by the sticks/stones/hammers/nails/blunt objects of people's disinterest.
It's spent a lot of time stitching up its cuts...it takes a little while, and my heart has never been fantastic at sewing.
Earn my trust and my heart is your best friend. Break it and you may not have a head. I told you it was impulsive.
My heart gets some good excercise...mostly when it comes to playing music or seeing a pretty girl.
Treat my heart like glass. If you break it intentionally, you may find yourself walking on something uncomfortable.
Generally, it's a really friendly fellow.
And it likes new people.
You should get to know it.
Friday, June 12, 2009
He said, she said
BY ZEP
He said: You look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning.
She said: Do I?
He said: Yeah, I can see it. It's etched into your face like a drawing, carved into the lines that crease when you try and force a smile. It's in your fingers when you run them half-heartedly through my hair. It's reflected your eyes, the same ones that I lose myself in.
She said: It's him.
He said: Of course it is.
She said: He broke me. Defeated me. Dropped me in the middle of a barren fucking wasteland and he...
He said: Taught you something.
She said: ......yeah.....he did.
He said: Is there anything I can do to take your mind off of this?
She said: Is it alright if I stay the night?
He said: More than alright.
She said: Maybe, just maybe, you won't end up like him.
He said: You look a little unhappy about the way the world is turning.
She said: Do I?
He said: Yeah, I can see it. It's etched into your face like a drawing, carved into the lines that crease when you try and force a smile. It's in your fingers when you run them half-heartedly through my hair. It's reflected your eyes, the same ones that I lose myself in.
She said: It's him.
He said: Of course it is.
She said: He broke me. Defeated me. Dropped me in the middle of a barren fucking wasteland and he...
He said: Taught you something.
She said: ......yeah.....he did.
He said: Is there anything I can do to take your mind off of this?
She said: Is it alright if I stay the night?
He said: More than alright.
She said: Maybe, just maybe, you won't end up like him.
Monday, June 8, 2009
No-so-creative writing
BY ZEP
It's been a week of mild aggravation, new discoveries and some really bad shrimp linguine, and in the midst of it all I haven't written much....so here's a piece of "creative" [read: sarcastic & bitter] writing I did a year or so ago.
It is a silent day as I stand idly behind the cash desk at Esprit. The floor is free of clothes, a vaguely appealing song is playing on the speakers in between the routine dance music, and most importantly, customers are sparse. I glance at the time on the telephone. It is 6 p.m. and my shift ends at 7 p.m. Only one hour to go.
As I quietly start singing to myself, my eyes shift around the dull greys, reds and whites of my workplace. Working in the retail industry has always been a tedious affair, and today is no different. No sooner had I walked through the front doors before being reminded for about the hundredth time by my boss to sell lots of clothes to lots of customers. I have another glance around the vacant store.
As I continue to wait for an impossible stroke of motivation, my eyes stray to the abandoned parking lot outside. A lone car has just pulled up, and a portly woman with stringy blonde hair steps out of the driver's seat. As I look closely, I see a red shopping bag clutched in her hand, and my insides begin to twist. Returns make my blood boil.
Now, before you dismiss me as just another bitter sales associate, let me explain why I savour the feeling of a deserted retail environment. No customers means no nagging, no rude stares, and no abuse by the people who treat employees like their personal slaves. It is in the nature of the customer to get what they want through intimidation, even if it means disrespecting staff, demanding refunds and breaking a clearly defined store policy. What's worse is that most employees take this awful treatment. Don't get the wrong idea, though, because nice customers are not just the stuff of legends. They do exist.
No, really, they do.
However, the law of retail dictates that the bad must always outweigh the good. As the woman walks through the front doors and up to the counter, I greet her with a smile. It is not returned as she throws her bag up onto the counter and empties out three t-shirts and a pair of pants.
"I bought these clothes for my son and shipped them to him in Waterloo, but they don't fit him so I will be returning them." she says in an authoritative voice.
My store has a 30-day refund or exchange policy. Today's date was March 17, so she would had to have bought the clothes on February 17 or later to be eligible for a refund or exchange of any sort. I kindly ask the woman to see her receipt in order to validate the return and she rummages through her purse, pulling out a crumpled slip of paper. I examine the date on which the clothes were bought. January 8.
I sigh inwardly and give the clock another glance. 50 more minutes.
"I'm sorry ma'am," I say with false regret. "but we have a 30-day refund or exchange policy, and you bought these clothes two months ago, so I'm unable to return them." The woman gives a me puzzled look.
"But they didn't fit my son! He lives in Waterloo! What am I supposed to do with them?" she asks me angrily, expecting me to solve the problem she created.
My insides are now in tightly wound knots and I shout on the inside. It's not my problem, lady! Maybe you should know your son's size before you decide to buy him clothes and send them out to goddamned Waterloo!
"I'm sorry ma'am, but there's nothing I can do," is my actual response.
The woman is furious, her anger resembling a child who can't get a cookie out of the cookie jar. She tries another approach.
"May I speak to your manager, please?"
Ah, yes, the manager card. I should have seen it coming.
With a scowl, I retreat to the back room to speak to my assistant manager, Lori, who vows she will not let the woman return or exchange the items. I observe from the fitting rooms as Lori speaks to the woman, reiterating the same store policy that I had recited not two minutes ago. Not pleased, the customer deals the final blow.
"Fine then! I'd like the phone number for your head office, please."
In a split second, Lori's confidence is replaced by a look of alarm. If a customer calls head office, you can be sure that they will get what they want, and that you will look like an idiot. It is establishments such as these that reinforce the message "the customer is always right". I wish I could strangle the person who invented that phrase.
Lori caves in under the strain of the threat and allows the customer to exchange her items for whatever she wants. I watch with a bitter sorrow as the customer gives Lori a "thank you" and begins to race around the store in gleeful triumph, gathering clothes in her arms. As I walk back to the cash desk, I give the telephone clock another quick look.
45 more minutes.
It's been a week of mild aggravation, new discoveries and some really bad shrimp linguine, and in the midst of it all I haven't written much....so here's a piece of "creative" [read: sarcastic & bitter] writing I did a year or so ago.
It is a silent day as I stand idly behind the cash desk at Esprit. The floor is free of clothes, a vaguely appealing song is playing on the speakers in between the routine dance music, and most importantly, customers are sparse. I glance at the time on the telephone. It is 6 p.m. and my shift ends at 7 p.m. Only one hour to go.
As I quietly start singing to myself, my eyes shift around the dull greys, reds and whites of my workplace. Working in the retail industry has always been a tedious affair, and today is no different. No sooner had I walked through the front doors before being reminded for about the hundredth time by my boss to sell lots of clothes to lots of customers. I have another glance around the vacant store.
As I continue to wait for an impossible stroke of motivation, my eyes stray to the abandoned parking lot outside. A lone car has just pulled up, and a portly woman with stringy blonde hair steps out of the driver's seat. As I look closely, I see a red shopping bag clutched in her hand, and my insides begin to twist. Returns make my blood boil.
Now, before you dismiss me as just another bitter sales associate, let me explain why I savour the feeling of a deserted retail environment. No customers means no nagging, no rude stares, and no abuse by the people who treat employees like their personal slaves. It is in the nature of the customer to get what they want through intimidation, even if it means disrespecting staff, demanding refunds and breaking a clearly defined store policy. What's worse is that most employees take this awful treatment. Don't get the wrong idea, though, because nice customers are not just the stuff of legends. They do exist.
No, really, they do.
However, the law of retail dictates that the bad must always outweigh the good. As the woman walks through the front doors and up to the counter, I greet her with a smile. It is not returned as she throws her bag up onto the counter and empties out three t-shirts and a pair of pants.
"I bought these clothes for my son and shipped them to him in Waterloo, but they don't fit him so I will be returning them." she says in an authoritative voice.
My store has a 30-day refund or exchange policy. Today's date was March 17, so she would had to have bought the clothes on February 17 or later to be eligible for a refund or exchange of any sort. I kindly ask the woman to see her receipt in order to validate the return and she rummages through her purse, pulling out a crumpled slip of paper. I examine the date on which the clothes were bought. January 8.
I sigh inwardly and give the clock another glance. 50 more minutes.
"I'm sorry ma'am," I say with false regret. "but we have a 30-day refund or exchange policy, and you bought these clothes two months ago, so I'm unable to return them." The woman gives a me puzzled look.
"But they didn't fit my son! He lives in Waterloo! What am I supposed to do with them?" she asks me angrily, expecting me to solve the problem she created.
My insides are now in tightly wound knots and I shout on the inside. It's not my problem, lady! Maybe you should know your son's size before you decide to buy him clothes and send them out to goddamned Waterloo!
"I'm sorry ma'am, but there's nothing I can do," is my actual response.
The woman is furious, her anger resembling a child who can't get a cookie out of the cookie jar. She tries another approach.
"May I speak to your manager, please?"
Ah, yes, the manager card. I should have seen it coming.
With a scowl, I retreat to the back room to speak to my assistant manager, Lori, who vows she will not let the woman return or exchange the items. I observe from the fitting rooms as Lori speaks to the woman, reiterating the same store policy that I had recited not two minutes ago. Not pleased, the customer deals the final blow.
"Fine then! I'd like the phone number for your head office, please."
In a split second, Lori's confidence is replaced by a look of alarm. If a customer calls head office, you can be sure that they will get what they want, and that you will look like an idiot. It is establishments such as these that reinforce the message "the customer is always right". I wish I could strangle the person who invented that phrase.
Lori caves in under the strain of the threat and allows the customer to exchange her items for whatever she wants. I watch with a bitter sorrow as the customer gives Lori a "thank you" and begins to race around the store in gleeful triumph, gathering clothes in her arms. As I walk back to the cash desk, I give the telephone clock another quick look.
45 more minutes.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Life in progress
BY ZEP
I'm in a blissful mood...figured some equally blissful lyrics might be in order.
Empty promises
They cling like the dust to the floor
Your soul is unkept, and you trace me with your fingers
Wide open eyes
They glow and suggest you want more
Your smile ain't a lie, drapery falling 'round your ankles
That's all I got for now...writer's block consumes my soul.
I'm in a blissful mood...figured some equally blissful lyrics might be in order.
Empty promises
They cling like the dust to the floor
Your soul is unkept, and you trace me with your fingers
Wide open eyes
They glow and suggest you want more
Your smile ain't a lie, drapery falling 'round your ankles
That's all I got for now...writer's block consumes my soul.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions
Where have I been? I dropped off the face of the planet, I'm glad this blog has been upheld! It's crazy all the views we've gotten from other countries, it's really cool!
The post topic is really just going to be me praising the one and only Andy Samberg. He's genius and was truly a great addition to Saturday Night Live bringing his hysterical Digital Shorts. If you don't know who he is, get on Google right now. He's brought a whole new generation of hilarity. Andy and his longtime friends Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone formed the comedic group The Lonely Island. They recently came out with their album 'Incredibad' which contains the hit songs from many of their shorts shown on SNL. If you haven't heard of some of them; Dick in a Box, Jizz in My Pants, Natalie Portman's Rap, Lazy Sunday or I'm On A Boat than I'm convinced you're living under a dark rock.
So what's with the Andy love you ask? Well, in the past years the MTV Movie Awards have been less entertaining than they once were, with such disappointments as the "return" of Britney. This year the show was rejuvenated and with only a couple lags was one of the most entertaining MTV Award Shows I've seen in a long-time. I'm gonna thank Andy Samberg for this one. He opened the show with a hilarious skit and an opening song profiling many of the celebs and movies of the year. Andy continued the show with his prolific charm and even had LeAnn Rimes sing a classical version of Jizz In My Pants, followed by Chris Isaak singing I'm on a Boat, a duet of Lazy Sunday, and lastly Oscar-winner Forest Whitaker's operatic version of Dick In a Box.
At one point Andy introduced this gem; a new original short starring funny-man Will Ferrell as Neil Diamond and a cameo by the television genius himself, J.J. Abrams. Check it out!
Thanks Andy!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Said I'm gonna have myself in shambles
BY ZEP
First post of June!
Just discovered we've made $0.05 in admoneys!
Thanks for clicking, I guess.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems the ads are changing to reflect my posts...when I did a Green Day album review, the ads were all about Green Day. Now, they're all about gay marriage because of my California post.
I really gotta get used to this whole "internet" thing.
Oh, and I just read about Susan Boyle coming in second place on "Britain's Got Talent"
(cause I'm slow like that)
Media pimping fail.
First post of June!
Just discovered we've made $0.05 in admoneys!
Thanks for clicking, I guess.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems the ads are changing to reflect my posts...when I did a Green Day album review, the ads were all about Green Day. Now, they're all about gay marriage because of my California post.
I really gotta get used to this whole "internet" thing.
Oh, and I just read about Susan Boyle coming in second place on "Britain's Got Talent"
(cause I'm slow like that)
Media pimping fail.
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